Coming Clean

Weigh in: well, 1/2 pound down today. Like, seriously? A half pound? I couldn't even get the whole pound? Sad day. BUT, 1/2 pound down is better then 1/2 pound up or 0 pounds down...so, I'll take it.

And, if I'm being honest, I probably fudged my starting weight a tad...or two. On Tuesday I actually weighed 3 pounds more then today..so do with that information what you will.

I wanted to kind of clarify myself to anyone who might be reading (although I'm pretty confident it's just my mom). In my ham shanks post, I told you that I wasn't really a large person. This is true. So, you may ask yourself, what is this girl's problem? Why is she making such a big deal out of losing weight?

Here's a little timeline for you:

Spring 2004: I was getting ready to graduate high school and go to college. I worked hard to lose about 20 pounds before I left for school.

January 2005: I gained the typical freshman...er, 22...during my first semester at college.

March 2005: I tried the Nutrisystem diet. It worked. I had lost all 22 pounds I had gained. That loss lasted all of 10 minutes.

Summer 2005-April 2006: This was a particularly rough period for me. I got to hanging out with the wrong friends and really start using food as a way to deal with stress, anxiety, and as a mode of comfort. This resulted in a 30 pound gain. I was miserable. I had been doing this yo-yo thing for so long. And, here I was, now heavier then I had ever been.

Summer 2006: I went home for the summer and my mom helped me to work really hard to get myself feeling more confident. I lost about 20 pounds and was feeling pretty darn good when I went back to college for the fall semester.

January 2007: I had gained back all 20 pounds. Seriously. I was back to my peak weight. My roommate and I decided that we would go on a diet together. We worked out every day and I quickly dropped the weight again. By March 2007, I was back down about 17 of those 20.

August 2007: I got married. I wasn't at a low weight for myself, but I think I looked pretty darn good. I felt beautiful and it was the best day of my life. Then I gained the "newlywed 35."

April 2008: (Yes, just 8 months later...35 pounds gained in 8 months) I have had it. I can hardly look at myself at this weight. It's the heaviest I've ever been...and I'm worried about what my new husband must think and I have clothes in my closet that I can't even get over my knees, practically. I decided enough is enough.

April 2008-April 2009: I had made it my goal to lose 55 pounds in a year. I actually came really close. In April of 2009, my mom takes me on a girl's weekend and spoils me with a new wardrobe for my new body. We have the most amazing time and I'm feeling so great.

April 2009 - present: I fall back into bad habits. My struggles with binge eating that I thought I had gained relative control over come back to haunt me. I can't seem to stop eating. I eat a lot, I eat in secret, I feel shame, I gain weight.

Today: I am between 15-20 pounds of my lowest weight during the last year, and still 25 from the original goal I had set for myself. All those fantastic clothes my mom bought me? Only about 1/3 of them can still fit. I NEED to stop this cycle, not only for my body, but for my sanity.

So, although I may seem like some lame size 8-10 girl trying to be thinner for no apparent reason...but I promise you that it is more to prove to myself that I CAN do this. That I'm not a failure and that struggling with my weight may have owned the last 6 years of my life...but it doesn't have to own the next 60.