So it begins...

Please Note: The weight loss ticker above denotes WEIGHT LOSS!

My mom noted to me the other day that in my most recent blog posting I sounded a little fed up. And, truthfully, I am. I'm so tired of playing a victim to food. Like, oh, poor little me, I can't lose weight. It's too hard to get up and go to the gym...it's too easy to eat crap...it's not my fault that my body reacts to stress with a desire to binge...and excuse after excuse.

And all that did was convince me that I didn't have the power to change that. It is NOT hard to get up and go to the gym if it is what I choose to do. It's NOT hard to turn down the cupcake if I'm well nourished and prepared for my future meals. It's all a matter of deciding what I want and, well, doing it.

I'm not a victim. I have so much power. And that decision alone has already lost me 2 pounds. Carry on.

Don't Give Up

Don't give up on me yet.

Top Ten Reasons I'm Going to Succeed:

1) My goal is not just to lose weight, but to learn how to manage the emotional side of my eating problems.

2) Success is measured much less by pounds lost as it is by confidence gained.

3) I have a rockin' support system.

4) I really, truly love the gym...I just have to find the right time to go (I'm thinking mornings).

5) I am not a victim to food, weight, or emotions.

6) Admitting weakness and insecurity does not constitute failure.

7) I am a worthy investment of the time, energy, and money involved in my goals.

8) I'm coming to realize that there is so much in life that is more important then my weight...and if I focus on those things, the weight will control itself.

9) I can do anything.

10) I'm beautiful no matter what the scale (or mirror, or button on my pants, or reflection in the glass pane of the door outside my office building....) says.

So, here we go again. To success!

I'm Will Go Far

or to Fargo...

Well, day one in Fargo has been good. The training was great, I'm feeling really good.

On the plane ride here, I read a book my best friend gave me for my birthday called, "Feel the Fear...And Do it Anyway."

It was extremely eye-opening for me and really focused on that dreaded control word. Only, it wasn't about reliquishing control, it was about taking it. About realizing that no matter what events happen in life, I control how I respond to it. And I have the choice between acting like a victim or taking control.

It has helped me with food today. A couple of times I was tempted to make bad food choices, but I was able to use some of the techniques in the book to remind myself that I have the power NOT to choose to eat. That I control my actions and I control how I respond to stress in my life.
This evening I went down to the hotel gym and got a nice workout. Tonight I'm going to take a warm bath and go to bed early.

And when I get back into town Friday morning, I hope to make a log in the weight loss ticker!

Super-wife is Back

Well, I made a pretty big decision yesterday. I discontinued from my Calculus class. I kind of layed out my priorities and realized that it (meaning Calc) wasn't even on the list...yet it was taking 10-15 hours of my week and really impacting my ability to be 'present,' successful, and happy in completing the items that do fall onto my priority list.

So, last night, instead of going to class and taking a test and starting my homework, I was able to go to the grocery store, make a pot of homemade soup, make pizza crusts for Geoff's dinner tonight, pack snack baskets, wash dishes, cook dinner for me and Geoff, and do some obediance training with my dogs. All between the hours of 7-11! It was good for the soul.

Tonight is my modeling debut. I wish I was a few pounds thinner...but I'm not gonna lie...I look cute! I was told yesterday that I need to, and I quote, "Select something that will help distinguish you as an employee and not a student. For you, Amanda, this is extremely important because you are so young in age. Suggestions include dress shirt, blazer, sweater vest, pearls, lipstick; although I don’t think you have to look like you’re headed to Church. Again, avoid white or pastel colors, and anything red. We love solids! We would discourage anything with large/dominant logos, big stripes, etc."

WHAT?! A sweatervest and pearls?!? I thought they chose me for this because I was a young employee. I'm 23...why do you want me to look like I'm 60? So I settled on a pink dress shirt with puff sleeves, a black skirt with a little white design (probably won't be noticeable to the camera), a belt (that's what old people wear, right?), and adorable pink heels. I also curled my hair. Maybe old people curl their hair.

Anywho, we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck. Or, wait, is modeling like performing and I'm supposed to break a leg...

Not too shabby.

Okay, so I admit it, I stepped on the scale this morning. And...not too bad! I don't have any news to report to that stupid weight loss ticker, but I'm hopeful that I will on Friday.
Today has been another day of control. Over food, I suppose. Ha. It actually feels good to be able to tell myself "yes" to food I have packed and planned. I'm really focusing on food this week instead of getting bogged down in gym failure and then binging.
Next week I have a business trip and will therefore have plenty of spare time by myself, so the hotel gym and I will become good friends.

As a side note: My brown slacks have yet to reappear. I'm very discouraged. I guess this means I need to make my other pants fit.

As an underneath note: My photo shoot is tomorrow...what am I going to wear without my brown slacks!

Control

To anyone who struggles with food, control seems to be this four-letter-word. Because, honestly, at the root of any eating disorder (and, yes, I do consider my binge eating difficulties disordered eating), there is the issue of control. Whether it be too much, or, in my case, the lack thereof.

The hard thing about food is that no one else can control my intake for me. They could try...but then I'd turn into a 3-headed, fire-breathing dragon that would burn off their eyebrows for even suggesting I can't eat that cake. Ultimately, somewhere inside of me, I have to remind myself that I actually don't want that cake. In fact, the only thing the cake will ultimately make me feel is lack of control. And it is the stress and out-of-control nature of life that leads to the eating in the first place. Seems a little counterintuitive.

The good news? Today I have had control. I had a drinkable yogurt and fiber one cereal for breakfast. I had a pack of carl buddig, a cheese stick and carrots for lunch. I have an apply waiting in the fridge for an afternoon snack, and a big, warm, cozy bowl of oatmeal waiting to be cooked and devoured when I get home from work.

Tomorrow, hopefully, will take a cue from today and follow suit. I have a busy week, but I'm PREPARED for it. I control my response to the stress. The stress doesn't control me.

I hope...

The Non-Diet Blog

I've decided that this is the WORST diet blog, ever.

Why? Well, I've yet to lose any weight (in fact, I've gained). Know what that makes this? A non-diet blog. It's a blog to document my weight GAIN, it would seem. And that is something I don't need an audience for. :-)

Sigh. On top of that, I've lost my brown slacks (remember, the only work pants I have that fit?). Fantastic. How do you lose an entire pair of pants? I mean, a sock, I get that. But, pants? Sad day.

I need to jumpstart my life. I'm getting complacent in everything.

School - bare minimum.

Dogs - one walk a day, at best.

Gym - sleep is winning.

Husband - neglected (and I LOVE him soooo much).

Church Responsibilities - bare minimum.

Food - anything and everything.

Anyone got any jumper cables?