I Know...Better

*I started the Nutrisystem weight loss program this weekend.  Here is what I posted on my first blog post for my Nutrisystem profile:

"I'm no stranger to weight loss; or to weight gain, for that matter.  In fact, I think I've got such a good handle on the whole "yo-yo" process I could practically teach a seminar.

I know all about calories and exercise.  I know the better foods to eat.  I know that I feel a million times better when I eat them.  The gym is a cathartic experience for me.  It's the one place where I feel truly at peace.  The one place where the only thing that matters is the adrenaline; where I can really clear my head.
And yet, somehow, I seem to make choices that don't fall in like with what I know.  In 2008, through my own sheer willpower (and a lot of exercise and diet changes), I lost 45 pounds.  I trimmed my size 14 body down to a 6.  I felt amazing.  I felt strong and confident.  I felt like nothing could take that feeling away.  I felt like that feeling alone was enough to keep me motivated to continue to exercise and eat right.  Somehow, though, it wasn't.

I felt myself start to slip.  I was excellent at making excuses.  I was busy.  We were in the middle of a big move, I didn't have time to cook.  We had to move further from the gym, but I could afford to trim back to 3 days a week...which dwindled down to none.

It was slow, but eventually all my good habits were just old habits.  And all my old habits resurfaced.  Here I am, 18 months later hiding my size 6 clothes to make room for my size 14 ones to return.  I've gain back every single one of those 45 pounds I lost.  And, honestly, I'm not very nice to myself about it.  I knew better.  I let it happen.  I let down that girl, the one who felt so empowered and so strong.  I continued to punish myself with binges and excuses.  I didn't feel worth of the effort it would take to get on track again.  All that work - again - for a girl who was just going to manage to mess it all up - again.

And it's at this rock bottom point when I realized that I wasn't ready to do it by myself.  Putting me in charge of my eating habits and my work out schedule wasn't going to work.  I am too mad at me.  I want me to suffer.  After all, I knew better.

So, that's when I made the call to Nutrisystem.  I needed help.  I didn't need sympathy or words of comfort (all of which my husband lovingly offers).  I needed someone to tell me what to eat and when.  I needed someone to tell me to get over myself; to tell me to stop punishing myself for struggling.  To remind me that life didn't end when I gained back that weight, that I have years and years left to get this whole weight maintenance thing right.  Nutrisystem had those qualities built in.

So, here I am.  Day 2 and I already feel better then I have in months.  Because I am awesome no matter what I weigh.  And I never should have put myself through so much guilt which just served to hold me back from achieving my goals.  And now I know better."