I'm Will Go Far

or to Fargo...

Well, day one in Fargo has been good. The training was great, I'm feeling really good.

On the plane ride here, I read a book my best friend gave me for my birthday called, "Feel the Fear...And Do it Anyway."

It was extremely eye-opening for me and really focused on that dreaded control word. Only, it wasn't about reliquishing control, it was about taking it. About realizing that no matter what events happen in life, I control how I respond to it. And I have the choice between acting like a victim or taking control.

It has helped me with food today. A couple of times I was tempted to make bad food choices, but I was able to use some of the techniques in the book to remind myself that I have the power NOT to choose to eat. That I control my actions and I control how I respond to stress in my life.
This evening I went down to the hotel gym and got a nice workout. Tonight I'm going to take a warm bath and go to bed early.

And when I get back into town Friday morning, I hope to make a log in the weight loss ticker!

Super-wife is Back

Well, I made a pretty big decision yesterday. I discontinued from my Calculus class. I kind of layed out my priorities and realized that it (meaning Calc) wasn't even on the list...yet it was taking 10-15 hours of my week and really impacting my ability to be 'present,' successful, and happy in completing the items that do fall onto my priority list.

So, last night, instead of going to class and taking a test and starting my homework, I was able to go to the grocery store, make a pot of homemade soup, make pizza crusts for Geoff's dinner tonight, pack snack baskets, wash dishes, cook dinner for me and Geoff, and do some obediance training with my dogs. All between the hours of 7-11! It was good for the soul.

Tonight is my modeling debut. I wish I was a few pounds thinner...but I'm not gonna lie...I look cute! I was told yesterday that I need to, and I quote, "Select something that will help distinguish you as an employee and not a student. For you, Amanda, this is extremely important because you are so young in age. Suggestions include dress shirt, blazer, sweater vest, pearls, lipstick; although I don’t think you have to look like you’re headed to Church. Again, avoid white or pastel colors, and anything red. We love solids! We would discourage anything with large/dominant logos, big stripes, etc."

WHAT?! A sweatervest and pearls?!? I thought they chose me for this because I was a young employee. I'm 23...why do you want me to look like I'm 60? So I settled on a pink dress shirt with puff sleeves, a black skirt with a little white design (probably won't be noticeable to the camera), a belt (that's what old people wear, right?), and adorable pink heels. I also curled my hair. Maybe old people curl their hair.

Anywho, we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck. Or, wait, is modeling like performing and I'm supposed to break a leg...

Not too shabby.

Okay, so I admit it, I stepped on the scale this morning. And...not too bad! I don't have any news to report to that stupid weight loss ticker, but I'm hopeful that I will on Friday.
Today has been another day of control. Over food, I suppose. Ha. It actually feels good to be able to tell myself "yes" to food I have packed and planned. I'm really focusing on food this week instead of getting bogged down in gym failure and then binging.
Next week I have a business trip and will therefore have plenty of spare time by myself, so the hotel gym and I will become good friends.

As a side note: My brown slacks have yet to reappear. I'm very discouraged. I guess this means I need to make my other pants fit.

As an underneath note: My photo shoot is tomorrow...what am I going to wear without my brown slacks!

Control

To anyone who struggles with food, control seems to be this four-letter-word. Because, honestly, at the root of any eating disorder (and, yes, I do consider my binge eating difficulties disordered eating), there is the issue of control. Whether it be too much, or, in my case, the lack thereof.

The hard thing about food is that no one else can control my intake for me. They could try...but then I'd turn into a 3-headed, fire-breathing dragon that would burn off their eyebrows for even suggesting I can't eat that cake. Ultimately, somewhere inside of me, I have to remind myself that I actually don't want that cake. In fact, the only thing the cake will ultimately make me feel is lack of control. And it is the stress and out-of-control nature of life that leads to the eating in the first place. Seems a little counterintuitive.

The good news? Today I have had control. I had a drinkable yogurt and fiber one cereal for breakfast. I had a pack of carl buddig, a cheese stick and carrots for lunch. I have an apply waiting in the fridge for an afternoon snack, and a big, warm, cozy bowl of oatmeal waiting to be cooked and devoured when I get home from work.

Tomorrow, hopefully, will take a cue from today and follow suit. I have a busy week, but I'm PREPARED for it. I control my response to the stress. The stress doesn't control me.

I hope...

The Non-Diet Blog

I've decided that this is the WORST diet blog, ever.

Why? Well, I've yet to lose any weight (in fact, I've gained). Know what that makes this? A non-diet blog. It's a blog to document my weight GAIN, it would seem. And that is something I don't need an audience for. :-)

Sigh. On top of that, I've lost my brown slacks (remember, the only work pants I have that fit?). Fantastic. How do you lose an entire pair of pants? I mean, a sock, I get that. But, pants? Sad day.

I need to jumpstart my life. I'm getting complacent in everything.

School - bare minimum.

Dogs - one walk a day, at best.

Gym - sleep is winning.

Husband - neglected (and I LOVE him soooo much).

Church Responsibilities - bare minimum.

Food - anything and everything.

Anyone got any jumper cables?

M.I.A.

Oops...it's been a little while since I blogged.

Usually this means I'm completely off course...and this time is somewhat of an exception. I'm not 100% on track like I should be, but mostly I'm just wicked busy!

Which is also the reason I'm somewhat veering from the track of dieting righteousness. Not only is it nearly impossible to cook for myself (or the hubster) when there's no time, but it's so much easier to eat crappy. Moreover, I'm a stress eater, so the time crunches and the lack of time to do REAL crunches makes for a girl apt to eat.

And, food has become such an emotional thing for me now, that it's really hard to eat something without feeling emotional...which just means I shove more in my mouth. If I could just eat ONE serving, I'd be fine. Alas, I'm stuck with the whole "enchilada," so-to-speak.

So, I guess what I'm looking for is some encouragement. Between the stress on one side, the guilt on the other, and my shrinking clothes mocking me from the closet, I'm feeling a little run down. What can I do to jump-start the weight loss so I can feel successful and motivated?

Special K Diet for two weeks? Slim Fast? Some sort of :::coughcoughstupid::: cleanse? I'm pretty much willing to try anything at this point. I just need to feel like it's possible to succeed. I'm stuck in that self-loathing part of the diet cycle.

Who asked the mirror, anyway?

I was going to do affirmations in this blog. In fact, I had even put the numbers 1-5 in a list form simply awaiting the affirmations to fall into place...but I just don't have it in me today.

Yesterday was a rousing success. I went to the gym in the morning, didn't eat anything that wasn't planned for, finished my homework, got to be early.

I got up this morning in a pretty good mood. Went to the gym (20 minutes Cyrex machine, 15 treadmill, 15 stationary bike), played with my dogs, showered, etc...then came time to get dressed. I bought a couple of amazing pairs of heels this weekend and I wanted to wear one of them today. They are "statement" shoes, if you will. So I needed a fairly neutral outfit.

Unfortunately, the only neutral skirt I have doesn't fit, but I made the mistake of trying to squeeze into it anyway. Lucky enough, I did get it all zipped up...but couldn't find a top to go with it. Anyway, long story short, I'm not wearing my new heels and I'm feeling a little bit deflated.

The good news? I'm not giving up. I'm gonna show that skirt who's boss.

And so it begins

For anyone who reads this blog, it probably seems lame. A weight loss blog where the blogger has yet to lose an entire pound. And, you are probably right. But I think that's kind of the point. Part of the big reason I'm keeping my blog updated. Because weight loss, dieting, food struggles, exercise, time management, they are HARD.

I've been really good at making excuses for the last 3 weeks of blogging. "I'm really tired." "It's my birthday." "It's a night out." "I really LIKE this food." "I look pretty darn good, why kill myself?" "I wanted to go to the gym, but I just ran out of time." etc...

I'm done with excuses. For real. Don't believe me? Well, just to show my dedication, I will tell you that I got up at 5:45am this morning and went to the gym! I did 20 minutes stair climber, 15 treadmill, and 15 stationary bike. And I will be going every morning for the rest of the week (and beyond). No more excuses not to go to the gym - because "I'm lazy and don't want to get out of bed" is an excuse that is off the table.

So, mostly I'm going to be focusing on exercise and diet (meaning food) this week. I started my day with fiber one and a yogurt smoothie thing (instead of milk). It was delish. Also, I'm trying to increase my water intake. I am making it a rule that I have to get in my 8 glasses (64 ounces) a day before I can have any diet soda. And that is motivation, baby.

Also, I'm going to make sure to take my multi-vitamin everyday. I've been pretty sporadic with that.

So, here's my new weight loss goals:
By October 30th - 10 pounds lost
By November 20 - 15 pounds lost
By December 11 - 20 pounds lost
By December 25 - 25 pounds lost

Overall, that's a goal of about 2-3 pounds a week. Very doable if I just stick to it. Which I know I can. And I will. :)

Fail

Goal #4) Have a Happy Birthday (on Thursday), but DON'T overindulge.

Have a Happy Birthday, Check.

Don't overindulge? Fail.

But it was a super wonderful day!

No weigh-in today. Out of fear. :)