Running too fast...

I had a weird...scary dream last night:

Long story short - serial killer attacked everyone in my house by cutting off their legs with a chain saw and their hands with a kitchen knife. I woke up as me, in the dream, was hiding, trying to keep from having this happen to me.

Now, bear with me on this one, because I don't really believe this kind of...well...crap, but it seems applicable today. On Monday morning, I was listening to the radio and on my daily radio show, I was listening to the lady who decipher's dreams. One of the callers recited the tale of dream where she gave birth to twins - one without legs and one who was blind and deaf.

Turns out, that according to dream people, missing (or in my case, the brutal removal of) legs refers to something in your life that you feel is not progressing the way you want.

Amen. Sometimes dieting is really easy for me - this particular time has been really tough. I'm hanging in there, but the fact that I've been dieting for 2 weeks and lost 1/2 pound is an indication that this isn't a breeze.

Unfortunately, I have no one to blame this lack of progress on by myself. I'm the only one who can "protect myself from the leg hacker," as the case may be. Wish me luck!

Ah, Monday.

I very well may be the only person in the world who just loves Mondays.

Food stuff is hard for me on the weekends. My main food cravings come out of stress and boredom...so the weekends can be hard. Especially Sunday - when I'm home all day. Begging the world to give me something to distract me from my hunger. Ha.

Anywho, with the exception of some fudge my neighbor made for us (which was SO good I don't even feel bad about eating it), I had a pretty successful weekend with food.

But, it's nice to be back at work, back to my regular schedule, and feeling good.

The goals for week three (which hopefully brings a loss of a pound or more):
1) Drink 50 ounces of water a day.
2) Walk my doggies each morning before work AND after work.
3) Gym 4 days, weights 2 days (TV is not allowed on until AFTER the gym).
4) Have a Happy Birthday (on Thursday), but DON'T overindulge.
5) Don't go to bed at night until my house is at least straightened.

Coming Clean

Weigh in: well, 1/2 pound down today. Like, seriously? A half pound? I couldn't even get the whole pound? Sad day. BUT, 1/2 pound down is better then 1/2 pound up or 0 pounds down...so, I'll take it.

And, if I'm being honest, I probably fudged my starting weight a tad...or two. On Tuesday I actually weighed 3 pounds more then today..so do with that information what you will.

I wanted to kind of clarify myself to anyone who might be reading (although I'm pretty confident it's just my mom). In my ham shanks post, I told you that I wasn't really a large person. This is true. So, you may ask yourself, what is this girl's problem? Why is she making such a big deal out of losing weight?

Here's a little timeline for you:

Spring 2004: I was getting ready to graduate high school and go to college. I worked hard to lose about 20 pounds before I left for school.

January 2005: I gained the typical freshman...er, 22...during my first semester at college.

March 2005: I tried the Nutrisystem diet. It worked. I had lost all 22 pounds I had gained. That loss lasted all of 10 minutes.

Summer 2005-April 2006: This was a particularly rough period for me. I got to hanging out with the wrong friends and really start using food as a way to deal with stress, anxiety, and as a mode of comfort. This resulted in a 30 pound gain. I was miserable. I had been doing this yo-yo thing for so long. And, here I was, now heavier then I had ever been.

Summer 2006: I went home for the summer and my mom helped me to work really hard to get myself feeling more confident. I lost about 20 pounds and was feeling pretty darn good when I went back to college for the fall semester.

January 2007: I had gained back all 20 pounds. Seriously. I was back to my peak weight. My roommate and I decided that we would go on a diet together. We worked out every day and I quickly dropped the weight again. By March 2007, I was back down about 17 of those 20.

August 2007: I got married. I wasn't at a low weight for myself, but I think I looked pretty darn good. I felt beautiful and it was the best day of my life. Then I gained the "newlywed 35."

April 2008: (Yes, just 8 months later...35 pounds gained in 8 months) I have had it. I can hardly look at myself at this weight. It's the heaviest I've ever been...and I'm worried about what my new husband must think and I have clothes in my closet that I can't even get over my knees, practically. I decided enough is enough.

April 2008-April 2009: I had made it my goal to lose 55 pounds in a year. I actually came really close. In April of 2009, my mom takes me on a girl's weekend and spoils me with a new wardrobe for my new body. We have the most amazing time and I'm feeling so great.

April 2009 - present: I fall back into bad habits. My struggles with binge eating that I thought I had gained relative control over come back to haunt me. I can't seem to stop eating. I eat a lot, I eat in secret, I feel shame, I gain weight.

Today: I am between 15-20 pounds of my lowest weight during the last year, and still 25 from the original goal I had set for myself. All those fantastic clothes my mom bought me? Only about 1/3 of them can still fit. I NEED to stop this cycle, not only for my body, but for my sanity.

So, although I may seem like some lame size 8-10 girl trying to be thinner for no apparent reason...but I promise you that it is more to prove to myself that I CAN do this. That I'm not a failure and that struggling with my weight may have owned the last 6 years of my life...but it doesn't have to own the next 60.

I'm BYU's Next Top Model

Okay, not really, but I really did get asked to "model" for some campus posters. Here's how it went down:

I was walking into work wearing my brown slacks (okay, let's be honest, they are pretty much the only pair of work pants I have that fit right now...so I wear them a lot) and a long sleeve jewel-toned v-neck shirt. I was walking with a little more swagger then usual...because, well, I've been on a diet for 3 days now, I must look a little thinner (riiiight).

I walked past the large conference room and saw our HR manager sitting there. I gave her the usual head nod (no one speaks before 8am). About 30 seconds later she came into my office and asked me to be in some posters for the employee giving campaign that will be posted around campus next spring.

Heck yeah. I just hope the photo shoot isn't for another couple months. I'll be in prime "model" mode by then. But I'll definitely bring my lucky slacks.

Saran Wrapped Ham Shanks

Two things you need to know about me before you read the rest of this post:

1) For years, now, I have affectionately referred to my thighs as my ham shanks. They are truly my #1 "problem area."

2) I am not a "big" person. I am between 5'6" and 5'7" and about a size 8 (or 10) depending on the brand and my goal weight should put me somewhere around a 4-6.

Okay, so on Monday, Husband and I went to TJ Max. For the record, we LOVE TJ's...and Ross...and pretty much anywhere you can find a good deal. But, I digress. I found a pair of exercise pants for $10. And, since you can never have enough exercise clothes, I snatched them up. I didn't feel like going through the hassle of trying them on, so I just grabbed a LARGE and figured that would be fine.

I got home and went to put them on...and, lo and behold, it was like wearing saran wrap. Especially over my shanks. And these were the larges. I thought for sure I'd be safe.

Nonetheless, the rest of the night at the gym, I kept turning to my gym bud (Steph) and whispering to her, "I'm SO aware of my pants right now."

I had a little Kim Kardashian going on, if you know what I mean.

As far as my goals for the week go, I'm doing really well. Sticking to the meal plan 100%. Although I hate the crackers I bought...but I paid good money for them, so I will be eating them. I went to the gym last night and did weight-lifting. So that's 2 of my 4 (required) days down with 1 of the 2 days of weights down. I haven't been so good about the card writing thing. I'm hoping to catch up tonight. I haven't missed a walk with my dogs in the morning yet...and they are starting to really get excited about it in the morning. And, lastly, I have not bought any food since my grocery shopping on Monday. Hazahh!

P.S. I got asked to be a MODEL today. More on that in my next post. ha!

Food Plan and other assorted goodies

One thing is official, I have no idea how to turn a word table into a usable image. So...good luck reading my food plan for the week. SF bar = Slim Fast Bar (cheapest version of a protein bar I could find).

I went to the grocery store last night and got everything I need, so we'll see how this works out for me.

On a different note, I did go to the gym last night and did 40 minutes of cardio while watching Dancing with the Stars and hanging out with Steph. I did get up this morning and walk my little dog-faces (in VERY cold first-day-of-fall weather). And, I did realize that my birthday is 8 days away and there's no chance of losing 10 pounds by then, so I'm amending the birthday goal to 4 pounds. Riiiight....

Week 2...

Well, last week didn't go as well as planned. No gain on the weigh in on Friday - but no loss. Sigh. It's okay, though, it's a new week! I can either lose, gain or remain. As long as I don't gain, I'll call it a success.

Goals for Week 2:
1) Gym 4 days, with weight-lifting on 2 days.
2) Walk the dogs before work daily.
3) Write cards to those who I appreciate (1 per day)
4) Plan my weekly food plan - post to the blog.
5) Do not buy any food outside of my regular grocery shop (Diet Mt. Dew does NOT count).

Stay tuned for my food plan.

Drop Zone

I was looking through some photos yesterday that I have compiled over that last 5 years or so. And I've realized one thing: a weight loss yo-yo doesn't even begin to describe the struggles I have had.

I think it's more like this ride I used to ride at Great America in California called Drop Zone (there's a version of this everywhere), but you start at the bottom, excited and ready to go. This is how I feel at my lowest weights. Proud that I had the courage to get there, ready for what's coming next. Then, the ride slowly begins to climb, as does my weight. Until I finally reach the top and I'm looking around nervous and just wishing I was back on the ground again. So, in a matter of months, whooooosh, I'm back down. Ready to start the whole cycle over again.

Luckily, my weight has never gotten really out of control, but a 30 pound swing every year is too much to handle emotionally. I'm hoping that I can keep my feet on the ground after I get to my goal this time.

As far as my goals for the week, things are going really well. I'm excited for my weigh-in tomorrow...although I am retaining a little water since it's...well...that time of the month.

Check in tomorrow to see if I've made any progress. If not, I'll keep chugging along!

Shortcuts

As I was driving (my 15-minute drive) to work this morning, I was listening to my usual morning show. In the middle of my drive, they cut to a commercial break. In the 3-5 minute break, I heard a variety of commercials for insurance, car dealerships, etc...but I also heared individual commercials for the following: HCG Diet, Sono Bello (surgery free body sculpting), laser hair removal, cosmetic surgery (breasts, specifically), and Weight Watchers.

No wonder no one ever succeeds at diet and exercise. No one has to. We've got HCG (a 500 calorie a day diet...obviously you lose weight on it), body sculpting; everything to enhance, re-shape, and totally alter our bodies. Honestly, I like my body. The proportions aren't perfect. I'm a little short-waisted and I'd like a little...um..."more" on top...but it's my body. I want to treat it well, feed it the nourishment is deserves, keep my muscles strong and fit, and, most of all, feel good in my body. I don't want the easy way out (although I do wish the whole process of dealing with weight and food was simpler).

The "easy" way, as those commercials taught me this morning is by convincing women (and some men) that the way their bodies are naturally isn't good enough and that we need some sort of "help" in changing ourselves into whatever it is that we think they should be.

Well, all I think I should be is happy.

For my one reader

Well,

Obviously, the fact that I haven't written for months means that I have been failing miserably at everything diet related.

The reasons, you probe:

1) Family Drama
2) Lack of motivation
3) Binge eating
4) Laziness
5) Starting CALCULUS

But, I'm going to work really hard to hit my goal weight by Christmas. My birthday is in a couple weeks, so I'm hopeful to lose about 7-10 pounds by then and keep going on and lose another 15-18 by Christmas.

The reasons:

1) To help me cope with family drama, lack of motivation, binge eating, laziness, school stress, work stress.
2) Increase my feelings of self-esteem.

To life! My 5 goals for this week:

1) Gym it at least 4 days (40 minute minimum)
2) Plan out my food intake and carefully track calories
3) Do dishes/homework/vaccuum/laundry/whatever is being neglected when I feel the urge to eat when I'm not really hungry.
4) Limit myself to pressing the snooze button only ONCE each morning.
5) Get to be before 11:30pm each night.